Week 6 Cherishing your spouse - You know too much, and that is a good thing

So many thoughts about this week.  We read in Dr. Gottman’s book Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work chapters four and five all about deepening our relationship with our spouse, as well as creating in-depth love maps.  One thing that I loved about all the questions and activities in the book is that it required a lot of emotional effort and vulnerability.  Some of the questions went to difficult places, like childhood experiences that were difficult, or about how they strengthened and healed themselves after hardships or grievances.  In some ways, it is very similar questions that my husband and I asked each other when we were going through couples’ therapy.  We got married, and I felt that we had a solid marriage, but after engaging in exercise like the ones in Dr. Gottman’s book I felt that I had a new appreciation and affection for my husband, and vice versa.  Some challenges in marriage in maintaining a love map is that it takes real effort.  This isn’t a one-time round of questions and then you and your spouse are done.  It takes constant updating.  Similar to an app, it needs to be improved, and the kinks and bugs worked out.  It also takes using the app to figure out where the weak spots are, and listening to feedback from your spouse to see where improvements can be made.  Marriage takes work, but it is so rewarding when both the husband and wife are engaged in making their relationship based on love and appreciation for each other.  My husband and I say, I like you, and I love you.  We want to be with each other, because we have a solid base of friendship.  The meme that says, "You will always be my best friend, because you know too much" definitely applies to me and my husband.  We know everything about each other, because we are vulnerable with each other and trust each other to not run away when the hard stuff comes up.  

Week 5 Negative Behaviors - The hubby is my bestie

  

Damon and I have been married for almost 16 years.  We have four kids.  We have been through hard times, easy times, and everything in between.  I would categorize us in the positive sentiment category.  We have arguments, for sure, but the example of a couple sticking out their tongues at each other over what car they should get made me laugh because we have literally done the exact something.  It breaks the tension, and ultimately checks us back into reality.  I think I need that a lot.  I dose of perspective, with the idea of “Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?”  As I read Dr. Gottman’s book about how a marriage can go wrong, it made me so sad!  The examples of the arguments that he listened in on were horrible to hear.  I downloaded the audible version of the book as well because of time constraints this week, and hearing it was way worse than reading it.  I thought it was really interesting that he coined the term ‘flooding’ when the couple’s physiological responses were evident.  The body was literally flooding itself with stress hormones resulting in raised heart rate and other stress indicators. I noticed the same results happening in myself listening to them. 

In a marriage, friendship is everything.  If you aren’t friends with your spouse, then what is the point of marriage.  I view my husband as my ultimate confidant, who I can be myself with and there is no judgement or criticism.  He is my best friend.  I can tell him anything, and he tells me everything, and it is so beautiful.  Allowing someone in like that takes some bravery and vulnerability.  It is worth it though.  My husband and I share everything, we know everything, and we laugh a lot because of it.  Neither of us are perfect, and we have things we can definitely work on.  But we do work on them.  Because we know it is important, and actively working on yourself signifies to your spouse that you are trying.  Knowing that a person is trying to become a better person helps the other give the benefit of the doubt, which is so important in any relationship.  If we were to quick to pounce and glaringly show a mistake, eventually the marriage would deteriorate.  If there is an incident of something gone wrong, I usually start with, “Hey, are you okay?  (What ever the event was) wasn’t like you, did something happen today?”  More often than not it was something that was totally unrelated to me or the kids, and most of the time we don’t even know what was bothering us until we talk it out. 

What ways do you and your spouse maintain the friendship and support eachother?

Week 4 Doctrine of Eternal Marriage - Marriage and the Three Wolves

ElderHafen's talk about marriage facing the three wolves really resonated with me this week.  I know everyone thinks of marriage as the start of an awesome life, and it is.  It is also really hard at times.  The three wolves that Elder Hafen explains are 1. Adversity 2. Individual Imperfections 3. Excessive Individualism.   In a covenant marriage, this is explained in the talk that the perspective is different.  There is more accountability, because the couple goes into the marriage knowing it is for eternity.  To me, this means that there is sufficient skin in the game to make the fight worth it.  

I remember when I got engaged, my grandmother, who was a feisty lady, told me, "Oh little girl, you are going to grow up the hard way."  I was actually really offended.  However, after 16 years of marriage, I can see she was speaking from an experienced perspective.  If a couple is not able to look inward and hold themselves accountable to any shortcomings that will definitely be exposed in a marriage, then it will be a very unhappy one.  This is hard to do!  No one likes to be wrong, and most people don’t like admitting that they are flawed.  It takes the marriage to a vulnerable and wonderful place when one or the other can say, “Yes, I see that I was wrong.  I know I need to work on that, and I am sorry.”  I wish I had learned this sooner in my marriage. Damon and I are best friends.  We love each other, and we laugh a lot.  We also have been through a lot.  We lost everything, essentially, about ten years ago.  Damon lost his job, we lost our home, and I was pregnant with our second baby.  It was a humbling year, both individually and as a family.  It took a lot to come up from that blow, but through adversity we gain so much, like the ability to ask for help. We lost things we didn’t need like pride.  We realized that God’s plan for us isn’t always known, but that we will always be taken care of.  Adversity exposes weakness, individual imperfections come to a glaring head.  I think this is make or break for a marriage. 

You have a choice with the individualism.  If a person keeps putting him/herself and interests first, the marriage will deteriorate.  If you learn to love and serve your spouse, the marriage will thrive.  Your needs will be met if your spouse is doing the same.  Both spouses put in 100%.  It is a constant giving and receiving.  One must learn to serve, and also allow their spouse to serve them.  That can be difficult too!  Knowing your partner’s love language is key in making this a success. That is another post for another time.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the three wolves.  How do you think adversity, individual imperfections, and individualism affect a marriage?

Week 3 Threats to Marriage - This is a hard one.

I learned a lot.  I read (okay, more like labored through and understood a fraction of) the ruling of Obergefell v. Hodges written by the supreme court justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, and Alito.  Maybe I was dreadfully unware, but the four dissenting supreme court justices ruled against the case not because of any morality issue, but that of it not being within their power to make sweeping legislation, thus overturning the states right to define marriage, as well as depriving each state of there electoral and legislative process. 

I’d like to share some back ground on my family.  I have two openly gay brothers, one of whom is married to his husband of nearly five years.  I love them.  It has been very difficult at times to be a Marriage and Family Studies major at BYU-Idaho, with some of the articles I had to read, and discussion boards I have to participate in.  This week though was not the case.  In one of the videos this week, it talked about two different cases that the supreme court had ruled on that changed the American culture.  Brown vs Board of Education, and Roe v Wade.  One resulted in being a racist equal to a social pariah, and the other, while still facing some criticism, is still able to voice dissenting opinion.  I feel that this is the way it is happening with gay marriage, in part because of the Christian values we uphold, but also the gay community.  I have had a lot of experience within this community, and they are such wonderful people who welcome anyone and everyone with open arms.  I can say the same thing for the Christian community. I think that one can be for traditional families, and not be a social pariah, if it is handled with respect and love.  One can be for gay marriage, and still be friends with one who is openly against it.  I have seen it in my own family.  Tolerance of both sides is key. 

What is your take on this?  How can both sides be heard and mutual tolerance reign supreme?

Week 2 Marriage Trends - Thoughts on Marriage, Co-habitation, and Divorce

I have seen to some extent the idea that marriage is optional.  Many people genuinely do believe that living with your partner prior to marriage is a good thing, that living together will help ease them into marriage.  In my view, I feel like this is the easy out method.  Let me explain, I think that people in general are terrified of being vulnerable and authentic.  With cohabitation, it is like an insurance policy that one can walk away relatively unscathed if one or both of the individuals deem it ‘not working’.  Maybe this is a little judgmental, but when I hear ‘not working’, I want to probe a little to see if ‘not working’ actually means “I don’t want to change and put someone else first”.  Marriage is committing fully to another person.  Marriage is hard, it takes work, and it is so rewarding when two people work together towards a common goal.  Dallin H. Oaks said, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”  This is not the easiest advice to follow.   If there is commitment in a marriage, it stands to be better for everyone involved, particularly if there are children in the marriage.  

Children benefit from a stable, healthy marriage.  In the 2012 article “The State of our Unions” research had been done and suggested that children stand to be more well-adjusted, emotionally stable individuals when they are raised in a home with both parents who are married.  In 2012 a staggering tipping point happened when 53% of births in the United States were to unmarried women under 30.  I am a mother, I have four children.  I remember the birth of my first.  I was newly married; my husband and I were approaching our two-year anniversary.  I remember feeling so overwhelmed and unprepared.  I could not imagine the stress and pressure a single mother must feel, or even a mother who has a boyfriend, but are not married.  There is so much uncertainty in that situation, and I believe that energetically a child can pick up on that.  It affects them too.   I do feel that children can sense emotional tension even if they don’t realize that is what they are picking up on. 

Now let’s talk divorce.  I am going to start by saying that often times a marriage can and should be saved.  There are no guarantees that the next marriage will be better or happier.  However, there are times that a marriage needs to end.  This is the most important part: I will never be the one that judges another for their choice to get a divorce.  There are two sides to every story.  There is no way I can fully understand what you are going through, what you have been through, and what you can and can not take on.  I am here to be a friend.  A support.  There is no need to make an already difficult situation harder.  No one needs that.  I hope that in these upcoming posts with my thoughts on marriage and what I am learning we can learn and discuss things frankly, with the spirit of respect and consideration.  The more we can learn from each other, the more we can grow as a society.

 Refrences

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng