This week has been particularly busy for me. The kids are home from summer, and my husband
started an amazing new job two weeks ago.
This was unexpected, and a huge blessing, but it has caused us to
quickly revamp our summer plans. While
the new job is a blessing, it is requiring him to be gone a lot more than
usual. Couple that with taking eleven
credits over the summer with four kids at home, things are getting a lot more
stressful. The lessons that were taught
in chapters eight and nine of ‘The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work’
could not have come at a better time.
There are some major things happening that I need help with, like hiring
a nanny for three hours a day on the days he is traveling so I can get school
done. I can say from practicing the soft
start-up, and adding a sense of humor and lightness to the topics that I needed
to discuss with my husband, we were able to reach an outcome that was favorable
to both of us. As an added bonus we both
left the discussion feeling great and even deepening our friendship and love
for each other.
If you read the book, the exercise
can seem super cheesy. However, they
work like a charm. The first exercise is
the soft start up. I think that it
actually helped in getting my husbands attention more because it was different
than how I usually start a conversation.
I realize now that it started with a complaint about how tired or
stressed I am, instead of saying, “Hey babe, I am feeling very stressed about
getting everything done with school. I
would really like to figure out a way to have some help. Can we look at the budget and see if we can
move some things around?” I was anticipating
some resistance, but he got right on it and we made it happen! It works!
The second exercise was in making repair attempts, and receiving repair
attempts. I like the humor aspect of
this strategy. Things are lighter when
you laugh. This one might not work all
the time, but it works for us. It also
helps us avoid gridlock, as it kinda yanks us out of our current situation and
helps us separate from the topic and gain some perspective on what we are
talking about.
My favorite exercise this week was
learning to soothe yourself and each other.
I am a yoga teacher, and all the exercise Dr. Gottman suggested you
practice with yourself and with each other was straight out of my yoga nidra
training. It was a much simpler form of
yoga nidra, but I can say from personal and professional experience that these
simple practices will be a game changer in how you regulate your reactions to
life situations. One of the classes I
teach is at a drug rehabilitation facility.
They request yoga nidra because you are training your mind and body to
not react to stressors, as well as internal and external stimuli. You can see how valuable this skill would be
if you are learning how to maintain sobriety.
In a marriage using these techniques you can training yourself to not
react to emotional stress. Instead, you
will take a moment to look at the situation from a calm place instead of a
flooded emotional place. What a powerful
tool, right? Try it. It works.
Steps four, compromise, and step five, dealing with emotional injuries,
are far more likely to happen if you can calmly look at the situation and
realize what you are actually fighting about, and where it may be coming
from. Little things can trigger deep
emotional wounds, and knowing what those are for yourself personally, as what
those are for your spouse make it much easier to realize that some hot button
issues have nothing to do with you or your spouse at all, and everything to do
with an emotional injury that may have happened before you even met them.
(Sidebar- if you need help relaxing, find a
yoga nidra class. You are welcome.)
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