Week 13- Money Talks

Money Matters

When my kids get married, I want them to know two things.

1.     You are not perfect, and neither is your spouse.  Don’t get on a high horse because you don’t have one.

2.     The way you do things is not the only way to do things.  Come up with your own way to do things as a couple

Money management is a source of contention for a lot of married couples out there.  My theory on this is that it is because you are taking one human from one environment with ideas and habits about money, and combining it with another human from another environment with ideas and habits about money.  Throw in poor communication skills, and the inability to see that you aren’t always right all the time and you have the perfect marital storm for discord.  What I found most interesting in the readings this week was the birth order checklist in relation to how you manage money.  I am the oldest child, and after reading the list I was like, “Oh my heck I am so glad my husband is still able to love me because I am such a pill!  Control freak much?!” My husband is both the second child and middle child, and there were components of both.  More middle than second child, but he likes to live dangerously. 

Here is my take away-

1.     Trying to blend two different family rules without communicating is why we had such a hard time getting our budget under wraps the first ten years of our marriage.

2.     It got a lot better after a lot of individual and group therapy.

3.     Go on a date and do the surveys in Poduska’s booked called Till Debt to us Part specifically in chapter two.

4.     Be nice to yourself as you realize that you are not the authority on everything.  This helps with the compromising that needs to happen.  Honestly I was really embarrassed about some of my go to behaviors like shutting down and then just avoiding the topic all together. 

5.     Write out your financial goals as a couple!  Compromise on them until both are satisfied.  It is okay if this takes a while.  This will take a lot of practice.  You can do it!  Marriage is worth the crap load of self-reflection you have to do to make it work. 

Week 12- How to be a cool mother/father in law

What is one new idea you learned from the article from Richard Miller ("Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families")?

Article from Richard Miller on power relationships taught me a few things, but before I get into it, there is some backstory needed here.

 A long time ago I started a journal, a new fresh journal because I had experienced something I had not experienced before.  As time went on I continued to write and learn and process.  I didn’t realize at the time that I was keeping a therapy journal.  I don’t think that anyone will ever read this journal. I am not even totally sure I would want anyone to read this journal.  I still write in this journal depending on how many interactions I have with certain people.  A few years ago I gave this journal a title. “Things I will never do or say to my future sons and daughters in law.”

            Parent child relationships change and grow.  I treat my fourteen year old differently than my eleven, six and four-year-old children.  I expect different behaviors from them, all depending on age and personality.  This continues into adulthood.  Richard Millar writes, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.” Italics added for emphasis.  This has been a source of much contention in my life.  I don’t want to go into much detail, but I will tell you what I have learned.

Respect your adult child’s choices.  Especially in who they love.  As an adult parent, your job is to support and love.  Both your child, and their spouse. 

Get to know your daughter/son-in-law.  Find common ground. 

 Do not play the blame game.  Because this is how it will go.  You will blame their spouse.  Every time.  You can’t see past your parental blinders, and it is so much easier to blame the person who isn’t your son/daughter

  Do not let adult children confide their marital issues with you.  If they really need help, there are a plenty of marriage and family therapists who are trained to help them.  Set that boundary, and then refer to number three.

Show and express to them that they are always welcome in your home.  If you want to be welcome in their life, they need to feel welcome in your home. 

Don’t come over unannounced.  Just don’t.

 Be considerate. Go out of your way to make their favorite food or something as simple as knowing what their favorite candy is, and having a bowl of it. 

Don’t play the competition game with your adult child’s in-laws.  It just gets really weird.

  Remember their birthday.  You don’t want to be the person 16 years later that can’t remember their daughter in law’s birthday. 

They are a part of your family, for better or worse.  How you treat them can make a big difference in what category their marriage falls.

Communicate expectations clearly with your adult children and their families.  Be prepared to be okay with it if they are not able to meet those expectations.  They may not be able to make it to every family function, and that is okay.  It doesn’t mean they love you any less.

Spencer W. Kimball said, “Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life.”  Hallelujah and Amen to that. 

Week 11- From the shallow end to the deep end

Those who know me well know that I don't like to beat around the bush.  I think it is a waste of time as well as never really getting to the point.  With that said, I am just going to put this out there.  I view marital intimacy as a very big perk of being married.  The fact that sex is how babies happen is just a bonus.  So lets talk about this like grown ups who can have a real conversation.

The way I feel about intimacy is pretty simple.  If it isn't fun, if it isn't enoyable, if it isn't everything you thought it would be, then you are doing something wrong.  I am not going to walk you through what you might be doing wrong, but I can tell you what has helped me a lot.

1.  Be open and honest in what you are and are not comforable with.  Being intimate with your spouse is also expressing yourself in a way that is clear as well as respectful to your partner.  In addition, be being open and honest with what is and is not working for you (if you get my meaning) is just as important.  I mean, can you really be upset and blame your partner for your unfulfilling expereince if you didn't say anything and just expected your spouse to read your mind?

I like that the prophets have stated that marital intimacy is not only for bringing souls into the world, but also the fulfilment of the marraige.  In A Parent's Guide, it states, "Both husbands and wives have a physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated with this sacred act.  They will be able to compliment each other in marraige relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs of thier partner.  Each should seek to fulfill the other's needs rather than use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own passion."  I chose to place the italics to highlight a point that it would be very difficult to fulfill the other's needs if they are not communicated clearly. 

2.  It took me some time to get over the fact that for so long I knew only the basics around sexual intercourse, and that I was told for so long that it was bad and that I should not even engage in anything that would lead up to it.  Then I got married and all was 'legal'.  It send my mind on a trip.  I wasn't comfortable with my own natural feelings.  I had to talk with a counselor for a few sessions to wrap my head around it, and to begin exploring this new territory with my husband.  It helped tremendously and I was able to give myself permisison to enjoy and explore my sexuality with my husband.  If you are struggling, go see someone.  There is no shame in asking for help.  

Marital intimacy can facilitate a powerful bond between husband and wife.  Communicating clearly but lovingly is key to a successful experience.  From my own experience,  I enjoy this time with my husband because he is invested in how I feel just as much as I am invested in how he feels.  This also applies to emotional intimacy.  Caring about your partner, putting them first, and clearly communicating needs can help with marital closeness.