Week 12- How to be a cool mother/father in law

What is one new idea you learned from the article from Richard Miller ("Who is the boss? Power Relationships in Families")?

Article from Richard Miller on power relationships taught me a few things, but before I get into it, there is some backstory needed here.

 A long time ago I started a journal, a new fresh journal because I had experienced something I had not experienced before.  As time went on I continued to write and learn and process.  I didn’t realize at the time that I was keeping a therapy journal.  I don’t think that anyone will ever read this journal. I am not even totally sure I would want anyone to read this journal.  I still write in this journal depending on how many interactions I have with certain people.  A few years ago I gave this journal a title. “Things I will never do or say to my future sons and daughters in law.”

            Parent child relationships change and grow.  I treat my fourteen year old differently than my eleven, six and four-year-old children.  I expect different behaviors from them, all depending on age and personality.  This continues into adulthood.  Richard Millar writes, “When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behavior in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families.” Italics added for emphasis.  This has been a source of much contention in my life.  I don’t want to go into much detail, but I will tell you what I have learned.

Respect your adult child’s choices.  Especially in who they love.  As an adult parent, your job is to support and love.  Both your child, and their spouse. 

Get to know your daughter/son-in-law.  Find common ground. 

 Do not play the blame game.  Because this is how it will go.  You will blame their spouse.  Every time.  You can’t see past your parental blinders, and it is so much easier to blame the person who isn’t your son/daughter

  Do not let adult children confide their marital issues with you.  If they really need help, there are a plenty of marriage and family therapists who are trained to help them.  Set that boundary, and then refer to number three.

Show and express to them that they are always welcome in your home.  If you want to be welcome in their life, they need to feel welcome in your home. 

Don’t come over unannounced.  Just don’t.

 Be considerate. Go out of your way to make their favorite food or something as simple as knowing what their favorite candy is, and having a bowl of it. 

Don’t play the competition game with your adult child’s in-laws.  It just gets really weird.

  Remember their birthday.  You don’t want to be the person 16 years later that can’t remember their daughter in law’s birthday. 

They are a part of your family, for better or worse.  How you treat them can make a big difference in what category their marriage falls.

Communicate expectations clearly with your adult children and their families.  Be prepared to be okay with it if they are not able to meet those expectations.  They may not be able to make it to every family function, and that is okay.  It doesn’t mean they love you any less.

Spencer W. Kimball said, “Well-meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children… Live your own life.”  Hallelujah and Amen to that.